Maybe inaccuracies with these teeny tiny pieces can be fixed with placing a pin each time I make a seam. I also need bifocals pretty badly. I’m due for an eye exam in October. He told me to get them but I wasn’t willing to face middle age and say yes to bifocals. Oh well. I was taking my glasses off and putting them on a lot while making these. I’m still going to make potholders out of them for my own kitchen.
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Wednesday, July 31, 2024
Patchwork Potholders ๐น ๐ชก ๐งต
Maybe inaccuracies with these teeny tiny pieces can be fixed with placing a pin each time I make a seam. I also need bifocals pretty badly. I’m due for an eye exam in October. He told me to get them but I wasn’t willing to face middle age and say yes to bifocals. Oh well. I was taking my glasses off and putting them on a lot while making these. I’m still going to make potholders out of them for my own kitchen.
Missing People Connected?
Some documentaries popped up in my YouTube suggestions about missing persons, and I put them on to fall asleep to in the motel in Louisiana. While watching them, I realized that Brianna Maitland and Maura Murray disappeared only about a month apart from each other. It was also the same general area (New Hampshire and Vermont, both close to the Canadian border). They look similar and are about four or five years apart in age. Could they possibly be together in some kind of Ariel Castro situation? It’s been 20 years. With these, anything is possible. Or maybe they *were* together in some kind of Ariel Castro situation, and their captor(s) completed their end game. I posted this question online, and absolutely no one agreed. Brianna Maitland had gotten into a fight with another teenager right before she disappeared, so everyone thinks that girl killed her. Everyone thinks Maura wandered off after her fender bender and succumbed to the elements. (If that happened, they’d have found her after 20 years. After a car accident, how far could she have wandered?).
I don’t know. No one knows. That’s why these things are called mysteries. I think with most of these unsolved mysteries, the truth is so far out from everyone’s assumptions. Criminals take advantage of the fact that everyone is going to be looking suspiciously at their spouses, their parents, or people they didn’t get along with in their daily lives. Criminals benefit from the fact that everyone’s attention is on something else or someone else. Most of the ones found alive were found just in some random dudes house. For this reason, they can often hide in plain sight.
I’d like to see at least 5-10 more missing persons be found alive in my lifetime.
Monday, July 29, 2024
Cajun Pantry Haul
Kevin and I just got back from a 6 day business trip to southeastern Louisiana. I love Louisiana! It has such a Unique culture and history. I also like most of the food, even though I would never eat a gator or a rodent. I picked these three pantry items up at the grocery store we did inventory at- Cajun spaghetti sauce, Cajun pinto beans, and regular Cajun spice with pretty artwork on the front of the swamp. Louisiana is even more green than Houston- something that always amazed me, having come from Arizona. I’m so glad to be home, though. Can’t wait to see my ๐ค check ๐ค
Sunday, July 21, 2024
It’s Too Hot to Blog
So a little over a month ago, I did purchase a Wordpress domain for $49 and started a blog about me working with children in the past. The blog now has 20 posts. I share memories of the past and also current articles in order to raise awareness and educate. For instance, I shared an article about a child left behind on a daycare field trip and shared all the tips I used over the years to make sure that never happened to me. I’ve also shared things I learned in shaken baby training and SIDS training. I want to talk about car seat safety as well, but it seems like car seat safety guidelines change CONSTANTLY. I did pester someone in a comment section who was judging the parents of a child pictured in a car seat to show me a picture of it being done right and after a million fricking comments, she gave me this:
Thursday, July 18, 2024
Birthday Tidbits
Tuesday, July 16, 2024
Cardio ultrasound
Yesterday afternoon I went for a cardio echo Doppler, which was basically like an ultrasound of my heart. The cardiologist that I saw for heart palpitations ordered it for just in case purposes. When I entered the room, the ultrasound tech asked me if I was still having palpitations. I said no. The cardiologist told me to give up energy drinks, and I did. The heart palpitations completely stopped about 48 hours after the last energy drink, and I haven’t had any in about a week. But I still went to the test just in case.
I’ve never had an ultrasound of any other part of my body except for my uterus when I was pregnant. I thought the cardio ultrasound was pretty cool looking (and sounding). It really did feel like I was at an obgyn’s office getting and ultrasound to look at a baby. I wasn’t wearing glasses, so the heart also was sort of fetus shaped with my blurred vision. I thought to myself, what if that was a baby moving that much. It would be a very spazzy baby. But I didn’t say that out loud. The ultrasound tech was talking about her own energy drink addiction. She also has three kids and clearly a 9-5. If I had a 9-5 and three kids I might not be able to give them up either.
Monday, July 15, 2024
Flowing Creativity
Sunday, July 14, 2024
Patchwork potholders
I recently purchased the book 101 patchwork potholders by Linda Causee. I had this book years ago but lost it somewhere along the way. I sat at the sewing machine in my room when I was about 19 and made several of these blocks. I made a couple into potholders. I think my mom still has one or two of the potholders. You can use this book just to learn patchwork also. You can make a bunch of the blocks as you wish and then just make them all into a quilt for that matter. But the book has directions on how to do a potholder. It suggests three layers of cotton batting. I’m not sure all of that is necessary. I only use one or two.
When I told Kevin I got this book, he seemed excited about me making us some potholders. He mention that we don’t have any, and that we always use the kitchen towels to handle hot items. I was like- you’re right we do. We moved in here more than four months ago. And this whole time, we’ve been using kitchen towels as potholders.
So first I traced all the shapes onto cardboard and saved all the cardboard pattern pieces in a ziplock. I picked one of the blocks in the book and cut out all the pieces including the binding. I got out my new iron and set it up so I can iron each piece as I go. With patchwork, you kind of have to do that.
I also need to mention that Walmart had a package of cotton batting, enough to make something “queen size” on the clearance shelf for $13. That’s enough for a lot of potholders.
As I sewed each piece, I realized kind of quickly that the accuracy was way off. I wasn’t sure what I did wrong so I took them all apart with my seam ripper and then I noticed that the error was made with the ironing. I didn’t press them all the way open before I applied heat, and that caused it to be way uneven and the pieces were way off.
I do sort of suck at ironing. I actually have an iron phobia. However, that little patchwork potholder stint I had at the age of 19 was pretty successful. I must have had an iron in my room. All the blocks were accurate.
I have definitely been commented to once or twice in my life for having wrinkly clothing.
It does give me this primal anxiety. I also know psychology basics enough to know that the way to get over it is to keep doing it. So maybe tomorrow evening, I can start over with more pieces and iron them right. Just got to convince myself that the iron can’t actually kill me, and I know how to treat it if I do burn myself.
Here’s to some cute potholders.
Friday, July 12, 2024
Evil Aunt
My evil Aunt G (right) meeting me (middle) right after I was born. That’s my mom on the left.
I mentioned here before that I saw my primary care physician about ten days before he left his practice to go to work for the VA. His last day was May31, and I think I saw him about the 20th? At that time, he sent in a gabapentin prescription to Walmart for one whole year- that is, 90day supplies with three refills. However, I had picked up my last 90 day supply on March 29th. Gabapentin is the only thing that helps my debilitating anxiety. SSRI’s, SNRI’s (which help depression but not panic attacks) do not help, nor do benzodiazepine, CBD, drinking wine or liquor, smoking anything, etc.
The only problem with gabapentin is that some people are against it. My therapist was against it. He told me not to tell psychiatrists that it works for me and to “at least try” meds I’ve already tried before. I went to two psychiatrists that were against it and wanted me to try another medication that I had already tried before and absolutely hated. But I couldn’t tell these doctors that- my therapist had said that telling a doctor what works for me is actually “drug seeking behavior.” Sometimes, the pharmacists are against gabapentin as well. They give you every excuse in the book why they can’t fill it, even though the doctor sent it in.
My prescription is for three capsules a day. I’m supposed to take one every 8 hours, but I still treat it as an “as needed” medication as long as I don’t exceed three a day. If I’m having a bad day, I’ll take 3. If I’m having a good day, I’ll take only one. I usually wake up at about 3:00-4:00 am and I know by about 8 or 9 am how bad my anxiety will be that day and if I need all three or only one.
This is because with so many doctors, pharmacists, and therapists against it, I feel like I need to build a stash, either in case of some kind of natural disaster where supplies on everything is low (think prepper mentality) or, in a more likely scenario, that doctors and pharmacists just stop giving it to me.
I’ve been struggling with panic attacks for ten and a half years. They literally started January 17, 2014. In the last decade, I’ve done what I was supposed to, I got help and I sought a psychiatrist and therapy. I found a medication that works, but at the same time, the same professionals that helped me find what works also want to kind of shame me for the fact that THAT is what works. There’s this underlying sense of, what do you mean gabapentin is what helps you? It’s as if I would be in some higher moral ground as a person if another medication was what worked.
By the time July 1 rolled around, I had 75 pills left from the 270 pills I got on March 29. So, I guess that meant that there were approximately 30 days out of the last 90 that I only needed one pill. But since 90 actual days had passed, I called the pharmacy and asked for a refill. This would have been the first time getting the new prescription that my old PCP called in on about May 20. Ten minutes later, my phone rang and it was the pharmacist. She said she couldn’t fill my gabapentin. She had a tone in her voice that was haughty and mean. I asked why not? She told me, “It’s a medication that we need to be careful with, because it’s controlled in some states.” I told her I know that. But is it controlled in Texas? No. Ok well then Texas is where we are right? She tried to tell me it was too early. I said, today is July first and I picked this up March 29th. That’s more than 90 days, and it was a 90 day supply. Actually my insurance would have covered it two or three weeks ago, but in order to avoid these accusations, I wait 92-93 days to ask for a refill. She said “Well it’s just something we need to be careful with because it can be abused and it’s controlled in some states.” She gave me some more run around, and from what I could gather, she just had a moral objection to that medication in general.
You only really hear about this happening with things like birth control or abortion pills. There are horror stories of women in the middle of a miscarriage, their doctors call them in something to speed up a process, and they get shamed and refused because the doctor called in an abortifacient for a baby they were losing anyway. You don’t really hear about it with medications that help mental health conditions. I was appalled and just hung up on this pharmacist. I can’t turn to my doctor, because he’s long gone working at the VA. So I just said, maybe this is it. Maybe the 75 I have left is what I need to make last, only take one if it gets really bad, and then just run out of them and go back to square one.
I look back to where I was ten years ago when I first started getting panic attacks, and I am so so ahead of that woman now. I don’t even recognize her. I have so much going for me now that I didn’t have then. I have a loving partner, several income streams, my daughter is a young woman and not a child, I mean I have so many advantages. My creativity is also flowing big time. I’m sewing and writing, and I’m doing a lot of physical workouts. I’ve lost 17 pounds so far in 2024. I’m just doing so much better, and I think having the right medication plays a big role in all of that.
So after that hanging up on the pharmacist, I took only one pill a day for the next week or so. Then I went a couple days without taking any to see how I felt- and I felt absolutely hellish. Gabapentin withdrawals last about 3-5 days. So this morning I took three, and I picked up the phone and I called the Walmart in my old neighborhood, where I used to live before I moved in with Kevin. I asked them if they could transfer it to their location, and they did with absolutely no problems. I then drove 65 miles to go pick it up. Then I realized that when the doctor called it in on about May 20th, he called in that I can take a total of four a day- up from three. Why did he do that? On purpose? By accident? Because he knew I’d have trouble getting another doc to give it to me? So my 90 day supply consists of 360 pills instead of 270.
That will really help my stash! What really sucks and I’ll say it again- is that people will beseech you to get professional help with your mental health. I just think it sucks that I’ve done that and then just gotten shamed for the specific medication that helps me. Like I’m sorry the medication you get kickbacks for doesn’t help and actually makes me worse? Why should I have to apologize for that? I shouldn’t.
Tuesday, July 9, 2024
Hippie Anthem
This song was actually playing on the radio today. I remember it from the Forrest Gump soundtrack.
If a song produces lyrics like “If you’re going to San Francisco, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair” then it must have come from a different time. These days it’s more like, “If you’re going to San Francisco, be sure you don’t get stabbed.”
Saturday, July 6, 2024
Close to Home
When I was in high school, a 13 year old boy in my neighborhood went missing. The rumor going around my high school was that he was living on South Mountain, which overlooked the city of Phoenix. Adjacent to this rumor were more rumors that other kids were helping him survive by brining him food and supplies. His aunt, however, was my mother’s coworker, and she insisted that he’d been murdered by his best friend. My mother and I used to fight about this. She believed the aunt, and I believed the rumors at school. In my senior English class, another student got into a screaming match with the teacher over his insinuation that Brad was dead. Through hysterical tears, she insisted he didn’t know what he was talking about and that she KNEW the people who were helping him survive!
In 2018, I returned to South Mountain to hike with my former boyfriend and his two kids. In the 1990’s, the only part of South Mountain you could really hang out at was the very top. But now over 20 years later, there were several parks along walking trails that had not been there before. I walked around, meditated while looking out at the city, and Brad entered my mind. In 2018, he would have been 36 years old. There were so many people on South Mountain now for leisure, that there wasn’t any way he’d possibly still be there.
I didn’t know yet, but they had actually proven Brad’s death by finding over an inch of his blood in his best friend’s family trash can. No one would survive that much blood loss. That’s the main way a person is proven deceased without finding a body. I didn’t find this out until quite a while after my trip to South Mountain with the kids. I wish I had known it in the 90’s when I would fight with my mom over it.
This documentary talks about Brad Hansen and Jeremy Bach starting at about the 35:30 mark. There really isn’t any part of me anymore that hopes Brad is still on the mountain. Not with that kind of proof. If there wasn’t the blood evidence, though, I would still have hope. Maybe Brad’s case and its proximity to my life at the time in so many ways is part of the reason why I’m so passionate about keeping hope that missing people could still be alive. Despite being wrong about Brad, I don’t give up when it comes to others.
Friday, July 5, 2024
Tidbits l
I got to go to 25 cent day at the Family Thrift Outlet on Hwy 6 this past Wednesday morning! There was also $20 to be made at the neighboring HEB grocery store for pictures of frozen and refrigerated meat. I bought all the neckties they had at the thrift store, for Evita’s skirt or skirts. As I was walking away with the neckties, I noticed a woman giving me a dirty look. I thought maybe- maybe her husband need to go on interviews and needs a tie? So I asked her. “Do you need to look at the ties?” She kept glaring at me. I repeated myself and asked again. Maybe she didn’t speak English, but it was eluding me at that moment how to translate what I’d just said. So I stood in line, then put the bag of ties in my car and went to do the meat job at the neighboring supermarket. I went back to the thrift store and picked out some more jeans, including a pair of green jeans! I’ve been doing great at getting all the colors of the rainbow in denim from this thrift store, but green was a hard find. Perhaps a rainbow denim chenille quilt will be in my future. I think I’d keep that one, unless it was really bad ass- then I’d try to sell it. Maybe. Back in the 80’s, jeans in colors of the rainbow were popular. I remember thinking they were the coolest thing ever, and asking my mom for purple jeans when I was about nine! Can’t remember if I got them or not.
The pattern for the denim chenille quilt on the glory quilts website says the best thread color to use is gray so I went to Joann fabrics where spools of 100% cotton thread was buy three, get three free. So I spent $35 on $70 worth of gray thread 12 spools- 6 large and 6 small. Came home and wound up seven empty bobbins with the new thread and started cutting apart the ties. Fewer of these ties were 100% silk with horsehair interfacing. I also took complete inventory of all my 6” squares. It takes 144 denim squares and 144 quilting fabric squares to make the size quilt that I made each of the ones I made for Evita’s birthday. I have 390 regular denim squares. I also have 104 black denim squares, 24 red, 27 orange. 16 yellow, 13 green and 24 purple denim squares. In cotton quilting fabric for the other side, I have 124 solid white, 105 solid gray, and 66 solid black.