I mentioned here before that I saw my primary care physician about ten days before he left his practice to go to work for the VA. His last day was May31, and I think I saw him about the 20th?  At that time, he sent in a gabapentin prescription to Walmart for one whole year- that is, 90day supplies with three refills. However, I had picked up my last 90 day supply on March 29th. Gabapentin is the only thing that helps my debilitating anxiety. SSRI’s, SNRI’s (which help depression but not panic attacks) do not help, nor do benzodiazepine, CBD, drinking wine or liquor, smoking anything, etc. 

The only problem with gabapentin is that some people are against it. My therapist was against it. He told me not to tell psychiatrists that it works for me and to “at least try” meds I’ve already tried before. I went to two psychiatrists that were against it and wanted me to try another medication that I had already tried before and absolutely hated. But I couldn’t tell these doctors that- my therapist had said that telling a doctor what works for me is actually “drug seeking behavior.” Sometimes, the pharmacists are against gabapentin as well. They give you every excuse in the book why they can’t fill it, even though the doctor sent it in. 

My prescription is for three capsules a day. I’m supposed to take one every 8 hours, but I still treat it as an “as needed” medication as long as I don’t exceed three a day. If I’m having a bad day, I’ll take 3. If I’m having a good day, I’ll take only one. I usually wake up at about 3:00-4:00 am and I know by about 8 or 9 am how bad my anxiety will be that day and if I need all three or only one. 

This is because with so many doctors, pharmacists, and therapists against it, I feel like I need to build a stash, either in case of some kind of natural disaster where supplies on everything is low (think prepper mentality) or, in a more likely scenario, that doctors and pharmacists just stop giving it to me. 

I’ve been struggling with panic attacks for ten and a half years. They literally started January 17, 2014. In the last decade, I’ve done what I was supposed to, I got help and I sought a psychiatrist and therapy. I found a medication that works, but at the same time, the same professionals that helped me find what works also want to kind of shame me for the fact that THAT is what works. There’s this underlying sense of, what do you mean gabapentin is what helps you?  It’s as if I would be in some higher moral ground as a person if another medication was what worked. 

By the time July 1 rolled around, I had 75 pills left from the 270 pills I  got on March 29. So, I guess that meant that there were approximately 30 days out of the last 90 that I only needed one pill. But since 90 actual days had passed, I called the pharmacy and asked for a refill. This would have been the first time getting the new prescription that my old PCP called in on about May 20. Ten minutes later, my phone rang and it was the pharmacist. She said she couldn’t fill my gabapentin.  She had a tone in her voice that was haughty and mean. I asked why not?  She told me, “It’s a medication that we need to be careful with, because it’s controlled in some states.”  I told her I know that. But is it controlled in Texas?  No. Ok well then Texas is where we are right? She tried to tell me it was too early. I said, today is July first and I picked this up March 29th. That’s more than 90 days, and it was a 90 day supply. Actually my insurance would have covered it two or three weeks ago, but in order to avoid these accusations, I wait 92-93 days to ask for a refill. She said “Well it’s just something we need to be careful with because it can be abused and it’s controlled in some states.”  She gave me some more run around, and from what I could gather, she just had a moral objection to that medication in general. 

You only really hear about this happening with things like birth control or abortion pills. There are horror stories of women in the middle of a miscarriage, their doctors call them in something to speed up a process, and they get shamed and refused because the doctor called in an abortifacient for a baby they were losing anyway.  You don’t really hear about it with medications that help mental health conditions. I was appalled and just hung up on this pharmacist. I can’t turn to my doctor, because he’s long gone working at the VA. So I just said, maybe this is it. Maybe the 75 I have left is what I need to make last, only take one if it gets really bad, and then just run out of them and go back to square one. 

I look back to where I was ten years ago when I first started getting panic attacks, and I am so so ahead of that woman now. I don’t even recognize her. I have so much going for me now that I didn’t have then. I have a loving partner, several income streams, my daughter is a young woman and not a child, I mean I have so many advantages. My creativity is also flowing big time. I’m sewing and writing, and I’m doing a lot of physical workouts. I’ve lost 17 pounds so far in 2024. I’m just doing so much better, and I think having the right medication plays a big role in all of that. 

So after that hanging up on the pharmacist, I took only one pill a day for the next week or so. Then I went a couple days without taking any to see how I felt- and I felt absolutely hellish. Gabapentin withdrawals last about 3-5 days. So this morning I took three, and I picked up the phone and I called the Walmart in my old neighborhood, where I used to live before I moved in with Kevin. I asked them if they could transfer it to their location, and they did with absolutely no problems. I then drove 65 miles to go pick it up. Then I realized that when the doctor called it in on about May 20th, he called in that I can take a total of four a day- up from three. Why did he do that?  On purpose? By accident? Because he knew I’d have trouble getting another doc to give it to me?  So my 90 day supply consists of 360 pills instead of 270. 

That will really help my stash! What really sucks and I’ll say it again- is that people will beseech you to get professional help with your mental health. I just think it sucks that I’ve done that and then just gotten shamed for the specific medication that helps me. Like I’m sorry the medication you get kickbacks for doesn’t help and actually makes me worse?  Why should I have to apologize for that? I shouldn’t.