Doctor Visit!

 I went a couple days ago to finally get established with a new primary care physician after my old one quit, and I didn’t like the new one they put me with. 

This guy is really cool, and he’s in “Cy-Fair” which is only 25 to 30 miles away. First I told him why I wanted a new doctor. (Because Dr Lee quit and I didn’t like the next one), and then I told him that one of my biggest anxiety triggers is cancer- and that being middle aged now, I’m trying extremely hard to get all of my routine cancer screenings done. It’s a long story!  He asked if cancer ran in my family. I said, it never did until recently. Then I lost two cousins in two years. He immediately said he was sorry, and I briefly explained that Kathy had colon cancer and was too afraid of doctors to always go for routine screenings (I’m trying NOT to be like that, although I’m realizing more and more that I kind of am).  And that Sam had a brain tumor, but he had been stationed at Camp LeJune when he was a teenager. I said, “A bunch of those guys got different forms of cancer.”  The doc nodded in agreement and said, “Oh man, oh man.”  

What I did NOT mention was that a few weeks ago, I wrote down names of all the people in my life I’ve lost to cancer, and it totaled 33 people. This ranged all the way from a classmate in 2nd grade with childhood leukemia, my godmother when I was 12, friends (close and not close), colleagues, friends of parents and parents of friends. 

Another reason to fear cancer might have to do with the fact that for the first time in about a decade, I’m in a really good and happy place in life. I always worried that if I found too much happiness, I’d be punished for it by dying prematurely. This is an anxiety symptom. I’m trying not to think that way, but it comes up. Then I have to put it out of my head, like an intrusive thought. 

This doctor also “seems” like he doesn’t have a problem with me taking gabapentin for anxiety. For some reason, he thought I was taking Wellbutrin. Maybe the bitchy doctor wanted me to take it, but the pharmacy never filled it, and I already know it does nothing for me anyway. I explained that in ten years’ time, I had psychiatrists try everything for me, and gabapentin is what works. He said ok- I thought maybe he cringed, but maybe the cringe was all in my head. At least he didn’t object in an obvious manner. We made two appointments for routine cancer screenings, and I was on my way. The appointments are on 10/1 and 10/21. I really don’t want to think about all of this until then.